Passing Love: I will Wander, Looking for Beauty

I had always admired Gavin for his calm and rational demeanor. But it never occurred to me that he would be so calm and rational that he would see me as just another project he needed to complete—a project with no real significance.

After wooing him for a year and being with him for five years, including keeping him company during his studies out of the state, we had always planned that once he graduated and found a job, we would get married. With the wedding just a month away, the culmination of all my hopes turned out to be just another task he had to check off.

All my previous excitement and anticipation cooled immediately after hearing Gavin's words.

"Don't leave yet. I'll give you a ride home after I'm done."

The message from Gavin was meant to sound caring, but it couldn't hide the underlying indifference.

I came all the way here in the middle of the day to deliver the documents, and he didn't ask if I had eaten, if I was tired, or if I needed to rest. Instead, he just asked me to wait.

"Don't bother. Gavin, if you don't want to, we don't have to get married."

After sending that message, I made up my mind and blocked him.

Before meeting Gavin, I never knew I could be so passive. I was still angry when I first saw Helen, but for Gavin, I could tolerate it. I could see that she thought I was unworthy of him. She constantly showed me that she was more suited to him.

Helen was Gavin's colleague. They were mentored by the same professor, who even tried to set them up. They lost touch when Gavin went away for his PhD, but after he joined the University of Pittsburgh, they ended up in the same research department. Even those unfamiliar with their department knew they were an extremely well-matched team, often appearing together in various publications.

Though I envied them, I couldn't do anything about it. I was particularly looking forward to seeing our names together on the marriage certificate. I even told myself that no matter how well they worked together, it was only a professional relationship. Only Gavin and I would appear on the marriage certificate.

But now, I suddenly felt I couldn't deceive myself anymore. In situations like earlier, I clearly embarrassed him, and Helen seemed more suited to be by his side.

After leaving the university, I found a random restaurant to eat. While ordering, I realized it was a trendy spot I had wanted to visit with Gavin for a long time. But he had always been too busy. Even though the restaurant was right across from the university, he never had time to come with me.

Maybe I was hungry for too long because I had no appetite at all. The long-awaited dishes didn't taste good. I quickly ate a few bites and then took a cab home.

Once home, I realized I had a stomachache. I managed to have some warm milk and took some medicine before falling asleep. When I woke up, it was already evening.

I could hear Gavin showering in the bathroom. My phone's reminder popped up, reminding me to book tickets for his parents, check the menu at the hotel, and pick up the wedding favors.

Since Gavin started his job, he's been very busy. He had said from the start that I could handle all the wedding arrangements. I thought he respected my decisions and that being busy was a happy trouble.

Now I realized that Gavin simply didn't care about the wedding at all.

As I was reflecting, Gavin came out of the bathroom, towel-drying his hair.

"You should tidy yourself up before you go out next time," he said.

I was stunned. Yes, I hadn't dressed up today; I was in a rush to deliver something to him. But was he only concerned with the fact that I embarrassed him? After all the trouble I went through to bring him the documents and wait for so long, he didn't even offer an apology?

"Gavin, if you don't want to, we don't have to force ourselves to get married."

Had he not even read the message I sent him?

I had to repeat it to him.