No Constraints, Just Freedom in Love’s River

John was clearly agitated by my words, his tone particularly nasty: “Anna, you’re so self-righteous. Always lecturing me. Do you know, if it wasn’t for you clinging to me like a leech, I would never have been with you?”

“Yes, you were the campus heartthrob back then. I should consider myself extremely lucky to be with you, right?" I cut him off, finishing his sentence for him.

These words about not being worthy had been said by John many times, each time wounding me deeply.

But this time, it didn’t hurt as much.

However, John wasn't about to let it go. He asked, "I went with Emily today. Don't you have anything to say about that?"

"I think it's great. You saved face and secured your deal." I shrugged.

John looked at me and suddenly laughed: "Anna, you better stay this tough. I'm going out for dinner with her tonight. Satisfied?"

“Good, come back early.” I was too tired to argue further.

John stared at me, then stormed out, slamming the door.

That night, while preparing documents for my client, I saw another update from Emily on Instagram.

“I am always there for you when you need me.”

I was so angry I couldn't focus on the proposal.

But I still finished the client’s documents promptly.

I remembered the old me, whose heart was full of John, worried about him not eating well, preparing his lunch in advance, thinking about what delicious food to make for dinner the next day.

He had a sensitive stomach, so I had to keep his medicine ready, and also prepare hangover soup.

He loved drinking and socializing, enjoying everything I had prepared for him in his life, but there was always another presence in his life—Emily.

There was an empty position in his group.

At that time, my company was in a slump, and I told him I wanted to try for it. He outright rejected me, saying the position wasn’t suitable for me because of my low qualifications and that I wouldn’t get through the interview. But soon, he gave that position to Emily.

I had a big fight with him then. He said, "Isn't my support enough for you? Emily is an independent woman; she needs this job more."

See, that’s the charm of Emily.

I could never compete with her in anything.

Afterward, she came to me and said, “John told me your skills aren’t suitable for this job. This job was always meant for me. You’re so lucky. I really envy you. You can spend John’s money. I’m different. I have to earn everything by myself. It’s exhausting.”

I remember John looking at her with admiration that day and saying, "I want to take care of you too, but you're too independent."

Thinking of this, I deleted Emily from my contacts.

Before, I was afraid John would cheat, so I added Emily on social media. But the days of obsessing over their photos, wondering if they were sleeping together or hanging out together again—it was exhausting.

Sure enough, after deleting her, the world felt much calmer.

That night, John didn't come back. I turned off my phone and stopped paying attention.

The next day, I took a last-minute project and went on a business trip to Riverton. That night, John called me, “Anna, where did you go? Why aren’t you back yet?”

“I’m very busy, working.” I said and hung up the phone.

I stayed in Riverton for three days. On the third night, I saw John at the hotel entrance. He looked a bit haggard.

As soon as he saw me, he immediately came over and grabbed me, “Anna, are you avoiding me?”

“John, I'm very busy. I’m working, okay? I'm not avoiding you, I'm just on a business trip.” I was really at a loss dealing with such an entangled John.

Seeing him like this, I suddenly thought of my past self. Maybe in John's eyes, I looked the same back then.

Work was exhausting and I had no time to deal with him, but he was relentless.

I sat on the bed and asked him, "What kind of reaction do you want from me for you to think it's right? Throwing a tantrum? Yelling questions? Suspecting your relationship with Emily?"

John was stunned by my questions, but I had no time to waste on him: “Do you feel helpless? So do I. I just want to work well. When there was a job shift, I had the most available time, so I took on this project. What’s the problem?"

“But you weren’t like this before. I thought you left because I didn't come back that night. I wasn’t with Emily, I slept at my friend's place. Really," John confessed, which I didn’t expect, but it didn’t matter anymore.

I told him, “I believe you. Then what? If there’s nothing else, I'd like to take a shower. I walked a lot today, and I'm tired."

He couldn't refuse, and I didn't continue to entangle with him.

While showering, I thought about something from before.

It was also about John not coming home. He really hated telling me where he was, he wouldn’t tell me his whereabouts.

It was when Emily returned from her studies, and John and his friends gave her a welcome-back party secretly.

That night, John didn’t come back, and I was worried he drank too much at the gathering and might have a stomach problem. I searched from his office to the bar where they last celebrated.

I looked for him bar by bar. During the search, someone tried to drag me into a nearby staircase, and I cried in fear, but I was more worried about John.

Until I saw John and Emily holding hands in a bar not far away, I felt like a huge joke.

That night, a heavy rainstorm hit. Emily had John holding an umbrella for her, while I, just across the street, became a truly homeless drenched rat.

The next day, John came back and saw my messy self sitting on the sofa. He was startled.

He looked at me and asked, “You look like a madwoman. Who are you trying to scare?”

I went up and slapped him twice. I asked him, “Did you think of the person at home who couldn’t find you while you were with Emily?”

John saw my hysterical look and pushed me to the ground: “Anna, you’re insane. You have mental issues. I'm afraid you might kill me one day. You're really sick now."

Indeed, I felt sick. As long as he was with Emily, I thought they were making love.

Thinking about it now, I was really stuck in a dead end. Stripped of the color of love, he looked completely ordinary.

John stubbornly stayed with me all day and then went home with me.