Never the Way We Were

"Why did it have to be a blind girl who found me?"

Why indeed…

He was such an idiot. Why did he bother taking care of me at all?

I finally broke down and sobbed.

"You're right, I'm not stupid. So go! I don't need you looking after me!"

When I was five, my parents were in the middle of a divorce. They fought every single day over who would be stuck with me. They were so consumed by it that neither of them even noticed when the fever burned my eyesight away.

I had thought, miserably, that a child nobody wanted could not even hold on to her own eyes. Therefore, when I saw Stellan lying in the snow, thrown away just like me, my heart cracked open for him on the spot.

The world did not need another discarded child who could not keep what mattered most.

Stellan took my hand, too spent to fight anymore. "Okay. I'm sorry. Don't say things you don't mean.

"What, am I supposed to just let you wander into traffic and get yourself killed?"

He led me home. He never brought up the cane again, but he spent more and more time staring at whatever was in the study in silence.

I hid in my room and dialed a number. The voice on the other end flared the second she realized it was me.

"What do you want now? I haven't been legally responsible for you in years!"

I sniffed back the sting in my nose. "Mom, I don't need you to take care of me. Can you just pretend to take me in?"

I swore up and down that I was not trying to cling to her. Only then did she agree that, for old times' sake, she would come for me once my sister finished summer camp.

I hung up and smiled to myself.

Good for her. Mom had a new child to keep her company now, and Stellan could finally drop the dead weight.

When I knocked on Stellan's door, I heard him scramble to put something away.

"What do you want? Lost something again?"

I faltered for a second, then pulled on a playful grin.

"Stel, my mom reached out to me. She said she's doing really well now, and she feels awful about everything. She wants me to come live with her. I already said yes."

Stellan sounded stunned. "Do you even know what you're saying?"

I said it again. "I want to live with my mom."

He exploded. "Elara, have you forgotten what she did to you? Haven't you suffered enough?"

Of course I had not forgotten. During the years the court had given her custody, she was always out on dates. Sometimes she would disappear for days at a time and forget to leave money for food.

Little Stellan used to go out in the dead of winter collecting bottles to recycle. Every piece of bread he bought with that money went straight into my mouth.

He was just a scrawny kid, stomach cramping from hunger, but he still kept his voice steady to comfort me. "I'm fine, I just ate too much."

I had taken Stellan in because I wanted him to live a good life. Instead, he had spent every day since then dragging a blind girl behind him without a single good day of his own.

I would not budge, and Stellan threw a fit, but he would not budge either.

I sighed to myself. He was just a stubborn idiot.

Then I called Thea.

"Please, try talking to him again..."

Thea called on the same day I had just come back from another eye exam. The doctor had let out a long breath before delivering the news.

"With her eyes... Dr. Hale, if even you can't do anything, she'll most likely be like this for the rest of her life."

Stellan's fists were so tight the knuckles must have been white. "Elara, why do your eyes have to be so useless?"

I had nothing to give him but an apology.

On the phone, Thea's voice was heavy. "Stellan, I'm leaving with my mentor in a few days. Once I'm gone, there really won't be another chance.

"Your whole life... is really just going to be this. Is this really what you want?"

Stellan stared hard at my eyes. Something in him snapped. He rushed into the study, grabbed something, and ran out the door.

Listening to the door close behind him, I felt something close to happiness.

A full day passed and Stellan still had not come home.

Thea sent me a voice message. "Thank you for letting him go. Stellan really is meant to paint. He and my mentor hit it off right away."

I was glad, but I had not eaten anything all day, and the hunger was becoming hard to bear. This time, when Stellan left, he had forgotten to set out the snacks where I could reach them.

I used voice commands to order delivery, but the door had been locked from the outside.

By evening Stellan still was not back, and acid was churning in my stomach. I felt my way toward the kitchen, searching for anything to eat.

However, that was the thing about being blind and useless. I knocked something over without knowing what it was, and the kitchen caught fire.

I scrambled to put it out, but I could not even aim the water in the right direction.