When the Tide Recedes, I Give Farewell to the Long Night

1: 1

The Loving Family group chat was buzzing away.

I snapped a photo of the college acceptance letter I'd just picked up and sent it to the chat.

Dead silence. Not one reply.

An hour later my brother posted a two-second voice clip. It was his puppy barking.

Mom appeared in an instant. "Toffee's little bark is so cute, my heart just melted."

Dad came right after. "Does Toffee miss Grandpa? Grandpa set up a whole luxury villa just for you."

Even Cheryl Fox, who hadn't answered my messages in two weeks, warmed right up.

"I had someone buy imported dog food from overseas. When are you coming back? I'll take time off work and go get you."

I was on a crowded, jolting bus, the whole cabin thick with the smell of sweat.

My stomach churned, and my eyes started to sting.

So it turned out the letter I'd poured everything into was worth less than one whimper from a puppy.

Fine, I thought. If you can't fit into a group chat, you just leave it.

1

I got off the bus and a wall of heat rolled straight into my face.

My head swam, my legs went weak, and crouching at the roadside for a long while did nothing to help.

I opened my chat with Cheryl. It was still sitting on last night.

"Tomorrow I'm going to school to pick up my acceptance letter. Could you drive me?"

Afraid of being a burden, I carefully added another line.

"We'll go early in the morning, so it won't cut into your work."

But she still hadn't answered.

Under the blazing sun, I walked another twenty minutes to get home.

The front door stood wide open, workers going in and out, the whole place in chaos.

All my things had been dumped in the living room, kicked and trampled over, a sorry mess.

My room was unrecognizable.

"What are you all doing?"

Mom lifted her head from her phone, offhand. "Your brother and Toffee are coming back. They've got to have somewhere to stay."

"Isn't my brother's room right there? Why touch mine?"

Dad carried a bag of dog toys into what used to be my room. "We can't cram Toffee in with Jon, can we?"

"You're off to college anyway, so your room is perfect to free up for Toffee."

I opened my mouth, a knot of hurt in my chest.

My brother had been abroad for years, and his room had been kept exactly as it was.

Mom cleaned it on a schedule. No one had ever touched it.

"Can't it wait until I've left?"

Mom's face darkened. "It's Toffee's first time home. How can we make it rough it in some makeshift corner?"

"Enough. Quit walking around with that long face like we all owe you something."

"Jon's over there alone, suffering, working himself to the bone, while you sit comfortably at home living the good life. What have you got to complain about?"

They'd said things like this more times than I could count.

While my brother was abroad, they sent him three thousand dollars in pocket money on the dot every month.

My own allowance, though, got squeezed from five hundred down to three hundred, and they often forgot to give it at all.

When the seasons changed and new clothes were needed, they ordered his early online and shipped them to him overseas.

When it was my turn: "As long as you've got clothes on your back. You think our money grows on trees?"

For holidays and family dinners, they always went to that seafood restaurant my brother liked.

I quietly mentioned that I was allergic to seafood, and they laid into me.

"You ungrateful thing. It's hard enough not being able to see Jon, and now you have to twist the knife!"

"Even if Jon can't eat it, we take photos to send him. It's a little something to hold on to."

Scene after scene surfaced in my mind.

I should have been used to it. What was I still hoping for?

I swallowed down the ache in my throat, silently gathered up the things scattered on the floor, and held an armful to my chest.

"Then where do I sleep?"

Mom pointed carelessly at the storage room.

"You can just make do on the floor in there for a few days."

The storage room was small and had no air conditioning. Even a short while inside left me drenched in sweat.

I hadn't had a single sip of water since morning, and I felt panicky and lightheaded.

I pulled the door open, about to go find something to eat, when everything went black and I dropped to the floor.

I don't know how long it was before I woke, still lying on the ground.

The house was silent. Everyone was gone.

Bracing myself against the wall, I dragged myself to the dining table, tore open a box of expired instant ramen, and poured in hot water.

My phone lit up. The Loving Family group chat was buzzing again.

Mom had posted a selfie with everyone in it.

"Jon, sweetie, a new seafood place just opened near the house. We came ahead to scout it out for you."

Dad smiled over at Cheryl.

"Cher couldn't rest easy, so she made a point of coming along to check it out."

Cheryl's profile picture kept flashing.

"Anything you two pick can't go wrong. Their signature seafood chowder tastes amazing."

"What time do you land tomorrow? I'll go ahead and wait for you."

Looking at all that warmth on the screen, my chest felt clogged, like a wet towel had been stuffed into it.

I looked at my acceptance letter. The school was in New York, three thousand kilometers from home.

When I'd sent the letter to the chat that morning, I'd even braced for them to demand why I was running off so far.

Turns out I'd flattered myself. They didn't care in the slightest where I was going.

I switched off the screen and lowered my head to shove in a big mouthful of ramen.

The spicy broth burned the tip of my nose until it stung.

It's fine. If no one else loves you, you just love yourself.