When He Left Me and Love Behind

My boyfriend took me to a cruise party, where we encountered strong wind and waves, and both I and his female colleague fell into the water.

Without any hesitation, he jumped into the river but swam further away, allowing the river to swallow me.

I was saved and found on a riverside. The next day in the hospital, I saw his female colleague's social media post: [Can't believe my first kiss was artificial respiration! How should I repay this life-saving favor?]

All of our mutual friends were looking at me, his officially recognized girlfriend, for a response.

No one expected my comment: [Then, give yourself to him! Congratulations!]

1

Two days since I fell into the water, Connor Cook still hadn't thought of me, his official girlfriend.

Just as I finished commenting, he appeared angrily and confronted me.

"Heidi, when it comes to matters of life and death, why do you twist them into something else? Are you not embarrassed by your daily jealousy?"

"You clearly know how to swim, but pretend you don't. Does that amuse you?"

"If Gracie hadn't gone to help you, she wouldn't have fallen into the water because of you. Do you realize she almost drowned? Your conscience really is non-existent!"

Connor grew up by the river, how could he not distinguish between real and faked drowning?

Moreso, Gracie Hunt fell into the water trying to retrieve her fallen phone.

"Connor, I had a miscarriage..."

"Enough! Even lies have their limits. Do you think I don't know you were menstruating these past days? You make a mess and don't try to fix it, then play disappearing acts, how can you be so malicious?"

After yelling at me, he hurriedly hung up the phone at Gracie's coughing.

I stayed in the hospital for five days, thinking I could go home when the doctor advised me to stay for two more days.

Only when Gracie was safe did Connor dare to unblock me.

"Where are you? I have something to ask you."

Every time we had an argument, regardless of who was right or wrong, in the end, I was always the one in the wrong.

Our childhood friendship made me treasure my relationship with Connor, no matter how far he ran, I would always closely follow him.

Because he once said, I was his wife, and must stick closely to him!

Relationships cannot withstand interior erosion, I was always the one who made up before dawn, regardless of the issue.

This was the first time I didn't back down, he had me blocked for five whole days.

It was when I attempted to send a breakup message that I realized he had blocked me.

I was completely stunned, then I understood.

Loving too humbly is quite demeaning.

Perhaps he grew impatient waiting, he directly called me.

"Why aren't you replying to my messages? Aren't you usually quick to reply?"

His righteous demeanor made me laugh instead of anger.

"You blocked me, why should I reply immediately?"

My mercy was shown by not blocking him in return, which was also to preserve the remaining shreds of dignity in this relationship.

When the nurse came for rounds, he finally noticed something was wrong.

"You're in the hospital too?"

"Yes, after the fall, I've been here."

My cold response left Connor speechless for a moment.

"What do you want to eat for lunch? I can come to you after buying it."

I declined, but he insisted on ordering from my favorite restaurant.

Thinking that if he delivered it, it would be faster than food delivery, I gave him my room number and canceled the food order.

Before he could deliver the meal, I almost fainted in the ward due to low blood sugar.

The nurse couldn't bear to scold me, she kindly reheated her own dinner for me.

After easing from the immediate lightheadedness, I messaged Connor telling him not to buy food for me. Like usual, he read my message but did not reply.

At nightfall, Connor did not appear.

I knew he would not come anymore because I saw Gracie's latest post.

"I offered to treat my hero to a meal, but he insisted on cooking himself. What a gentleman."

In the attached photo, Connor was stirring a pot while wearing a woman's apron. Half of Gracie's face appeared dreamlike amidst the mundane smoke.

The angle of the photo was perfect, showing an admirable boyfriend.

The whole photo was brimming with the warmth of a young couple.

At that moment, I felt no anger or disappointment. It seemed like it was meant to be their destiny.

I thought of Connor's promises that he would always cook for me and even take a bullet for me.

However, he had neither taken a bullet for me nor cooked for me now.

It seemed I had had excessive expectations for this relationship.

2

I glanced at the time, it was already the middle of the night.

I didn't confront Connor about not visiting me in the hospital.

I made a proactive call to the dean, and before I could say anything, he started coaxing me.

"Heidi, this is a rare opportunity for you to be a part of the Peacekeeping Team's medical division which only has limited spots and specific qualifications. Are you seriously going to give this up? You can always settle down and have kids two years later, there's no rush!"

"Among us in the hospital, you are the most qualified to get through the Peacekeeping Team's medical selection!"

"Peacekeeping police maintain peace, and you defend life. Do you remember the brave words you once said?"

The dean's words were hard hitting.

How could I forget the vows I made in the past?

Shame overwhelmed me.

After finding out about my pregnancy, I willingly gave up on the Peacekeeping Team's medical application, despite the dean's persuasion.

At that time, marrying Connor and having children was my top priority in life.

Unfortunately, it was only after seeing Connor not hesitate to swim towards Gracie, that I realized, I wasn't part of his life plan.

Touching my flat stomach, I felt ridiculous about my absurd decision.

I had actually given up my world for his words of 'my world doesn't match yours', and for a relationship with no future; making my sacrifice a big joke.

"Heidi, tomorrow is the last day for registration. Are you sure you won't regret it if you give this up?"

On the other side of the call, the dean was still hoping for me.

"Dean, I'd like to request your help in submitting my application please!"

This relationship was over the moment I wasn't chosen resolutely.

It was time to re-plan for my own future. It was time to reignite the dream I had abandoned.

Fortunately, it was not too late.

Perhaps the baby knew that its presence was destined to be unfortunate; that's why it chose to leave me.

Upon being discharged, the doctor told me that I had recovered well.

Connor arrived late.

As the doctor was reminding me about the precautions I needed to take post-discharge, Connor, who was standing at the door, frowned.

"Is it that exaggerated? She got admitted for seven days just for falling in water. After getting home, she still can't touch cold water. She's not an endangered animal. Is all this really necessary?"

The doctor looked at me in surprise.

"Is this guy your husband?"

I denied.

"Just a friend."

All discharge procedures were completed except for the medication collection.

Connor, with a gloomy face, volunteered to get the medication for me.

"I thought he was your husband. I was ready to give him a piece of my mind."

I smiled, but chose to not respond.

Connor was waiting for me in the hospital lobby with the medication.

"I thought you were seriously ill. Didn't you handle your periods just fine before? As a doctor, how could you be so dramatic and admit yourself to the hospital?"

He scanned through the gynecological medications in the bag impatiently.

I took the bag from him without feeling the need to explain.

"Why were you looking for me?"

"Let's talk in the car."

Thinking that breaking up in public was inappropriate, I followed him to the car.

As I rode shotgun out of habit, I saw a lipstick that didn't belong to me.

I shut the door and moved to the back seat.

Connor's face darkened.

"What's the fuss about? Get to the front seat!"

I pointed to the lipstick and said, "It's basic manners not to casually sit in someone else's boyfriend's passenger seat."

Following my gaze, Connor's anger intensified. "Are you out of your mind? Isn't this your lipstick?"

"This is Gracie's."

Women had a natural sensitivity for lipstick colors. Gracie was wearing this color when we fell into the water.

"Gracie is always barefaced. How could she carry a makeup bag around, unlike you?"

Gracie?

Was he usually this affectionate when addressing his colleagues?

He had always been calling me by my full name since childhood.

Women tried to look good for their men. I could only see him twice a week, so of course, I had to look my best.

Was that why I lost to Gracie?

3

Insistently, I sat in the back row, and he conceded.

"That night was too dark, and the situation was critical. I dove in without seeing you. My instinct was to save Gracie who can't swim."

His instinct wasn't to find me, but to save Gracie!

He misjudged Gracie's faux-natural look to be genuinely makeup-free; I shall assume he is an innocent man who doesn't understand these complexities because of his straightforwardness.

But when we fell into the water, he was clearly swimming further and further away from me, despite being only a meter away!

The cruise ship's light brightly illuminated the entire river. How could visibility be less than a meter?

If he could see Gracie a few meters away, how could he not see me?

"Yes, it's understandable. As your colleague, it's only right that you saved her."

My unflappable attitude irritated Connor further.

"Are you still angry at me for saving her instead of you? After refusing to acknowledge me as your boyfriend in front of a stranger?"

"Didn't you blacklisting me, mean we've broken up?"

"Heidi! What are you trying to do? Do you want me to admit that I am with Gracie for you to be happy?"

"If that makes you happy, then yes, I am Gracie's boyfriend! Satisfied?"

"I'm not making a fuss. Who you decide to be a boyfriend to has nothing to do with me."

Connor, infuriated, attempted to pull me to the front from the back seat.

Just then, a call came in.

I glanced and saw that the caller was "Gracie".

Connor hesitated for a second before answering.

"Alright, I'll bring it to you immediately!"

I heard Gracie saying that she had left her lipstick in Connor's car.

He looked at me sheepishly.

"I remembered that you too owned a similar lipstick. I must have mistaken it."

"I will return her lipstick and then we can grab some food together."

Understanding that this was a breakup dinner, I agreed.

When Gracie saw Connor's car, she bloomed with joy. Her faux-natural makeup beautifully complemented her ethereal look in the swaying dress.

Gracie gracefully opened the passenger door. As she bent to step in, she accidentally revealed her enticing cleavage.

Connor's gaze fell on Gracie's chest for a moment before he awkwardly averted his eyes.

Only when Gracie got her lipstick did she notice me in the car.

"Oh, Heidi! You're here too!"

"Let's have dinner together tonight. I wanted to thank Connor for saving me. I initially invited you guys out, but he ended up cooking for me instead since you were busy. It was quite awkward."

"Now that you are available, I insist on treating you two to dinner and clear up the misunderstanding."

She covered her chest with her hands, acting coy, and was simply captivating.

I didn't miss the triumph and provocation in Gracie's eyes as they scanned over my flat chest.

I didn't want anyone interfering with the breakup dinner, so I chose to get out of the car and call a taxi home.

On the way, Connor called me countless times, but I didn't answer.

He started bombarding me with text messages.

"The reason I stood you up that day was because Gracie's asthma flared up, I couldn't just leave her and went to take her to the hospital. She insisted on treating us to dinner, I didn't want her to tire herself out so I decided to cook!"

"She fell into the water trying to save you. Me cooking was also to show her gratitude for you. Can't you tone down your sensitivity?"

"You know how to swim, not rescuing her would be too selfish and heartless. Can't you learn something from Gracie and be a bit more understanding?"

...

His blind misunderstanding left me with no desire to argue back.

He would rather believe that Gracie fell into the water trying to help me, but he wouldn't believe that I had a miscarriage.

When did this relationship turn into such a mess?

4

That night, I started to prepare for the selection process of the Peacekeeping Team's military doctor.

The physical and psychological tests, I am sure I wouldn't have any problems.

The urgent matter at hand was specialty professional skills, such as international law, cultural differences, and operations in dangerous regions.

I did have some preparation on these topics before, but I always like to be well-prepared.

I immersed myself in studying, unaware of time's passing.

When Connor opened the door of my apartment, I didn't notice him entering.

Even though we lived together, I often stayed at my own apartment.

"Heidi! Why didn't you come home?"

I struggled to understand what Connor meant.

"Isn't this my home?"

"You clearly know I'm referring to my house."

"Why would I go to your house?"

I didn't understand what he was upset about. In my heart, we had already broken up.

His persistence was quite tiresome.

He walked over to my stack of papers on my desk, and asked, "What's this?"

I looked up and realized that it was my hospital report which I forgot to put away after getting my medical insurance.

I tried to snatch it from him, but an unusually stern Connor refused to let go.

"Heidi! How could you not tell me about something this serious?"

I quietly looked at him without saying anything.

My original plan was to tell him about my pregnancy during the cruise party, but before I could, Gracie and I fell into the water.

As our eyes meet, it seemed that he has not remembered anything.

His eyes were filled with a brewing storm.

"So you aborted our baby because I chose to save Gracie instead of you?"

"How many times do I have to explain that Gracie and I really..."

"I know, you and she are pure. You are just colleagues."

Connor thought I would get angry over the lost child.

However, my flat, calm tone made him feel like his punch had hit cotton.

"Why did you abort our child?"

I didn't want my child to go away from this misconception that it was me who didn't want him or her.

I calmly told Connor, "I've told you, I miscarried after falling into the water."

Connor looked dazed, as if his memory was coming back to him.

He quickly turned pale and said uncertainly, "Are you saying that the baby was lost because you fell into the water? But you are physically strong and can swim, how can falling into water result in a miscarriage?"

"Even Gracie didn't get hurt from drowning, how could you possibly..."

He couldn't finish what he was saying, he turned away, and didn't dare to look at me.

So, just because I knew how to swim, I didn't meet with accidents?

Was that the reason why he decided to save Gracie instead of me?

I turned around, not wanting to look at Connor.

Yet, he stubbornly demanded an answer.

"Did you really miscarry because of the accident in the water?"

I grabbed the glass of water from the table and threw it in his face. "Are you sober now?"

Ever since Gracie appeared, his heart began to waver and he kept doubting my words.

He knew very well that I never told lies from childhood, and especially would never lie to him.

Yet, because of Gracie, he kept thinking that I was lying to him.

I told him Gracie had ulterior motives towards him, he didn't believe.

I said that Gracie was a typical manipulator, he still didn't believe.

I realized, it wasn't that he didn't believe, he had just chosen to blind himself and didn't want to trust.

The man who loved me broke his promise in front of life and death, he didn't take a bullet for me.

The time when I freaked out for the nth time because of their ambiguous relationship, Connor deliberately downplayed me just like this, telling me to sober up.

Connor let the water fall from his face, stiffened his neck, and shouted.

"What are you making a fuss about? You just lost a child, but if I hadn't gone to save Gracie, that would have been a life!"

5

After yelling out his words furiously, Connor felt that he was somewhat out of control, and he tried to hide his emotion as he skimmed through the rest of the examination report.

Seeing that I was recovering well, he heaved a sigh of relief.

"It's a good thing that it's only been over a month, the harm to your body isn't too great, you have a strong foundation, with good care, you'll recover."

I rubbed my ears, thinking that I must have misheard.

Wasn't the child in my stomach a living being as well?

Connor always loved kids, once he held me tenderly saying that he wanted to have children with me.

I thought at least he would regret it, feel pain for this lost child.

Turned out, I was overthinking.

If he didn't love me anymore, how could he love our child?

"Don't be too upset, we're young, and we can prepare for pregnancy again once your body recovers."

"Let's just think that there wasn't any fate with this child."

His relentless chattering did not comfort me at all.

Instead, they turned into blades, stabbing my heart which was already full of wounds.

"Connor, if you had saved me first, maybe the child wouldn't have been taken away."

When I fell into the water, I hit a reef. I was bleeding then but the amount was not significant.

Connor's memory seemed to return.

"I'm sorry, when I heard that someone was bleeding, I thought it was Gracie..."

I didn't want to expose him.

When my stomach pain hit, I had no strength to swim, I was like any other person drowning in water, desperately struggling for help.

How could he not see that I was really drowning?

And how could he not hear my cries for help?

Was it because Gracie's cries for help sounded louder and more pitiful?

A wave came, I only saw that Connor had saved Gracie onto the ship.

Whereas I was engulfed by the water, swept far away. By the time I was saved on the riverbank, the child was already gone and I was at death's door.

The suffocation and discomfort feeling when the frigid river water invaded my lungs seemed to overwhelm me again.

That night, there was a thunderstorm, and Connor refused to leave.

"Aren't you scared of thunder? I can stay with you."

"You can go back, I'm not a three-year-old child anymore, what does it look like to be afraid of everything."

Connor fell silent and left in a huff.

During one stormy night, he stayed late at work with Gracie, when I asked him to come back and stay with me, he told me to act more mature.

The following five days, we lost contact again.

I changed the door lock code and packed all his stuff.

I casually skimmed through our chat records, they were all sweet words like love you, miss you, etc, which were all from me.

My eyes started to sour and felt dry, but there were no tears.

I didn't live much at Connor's place, didn't seem like I left many things there, and it wasn't worth making a special trip.

I deleted all our chat records, even the backup of the chats during college.

Looking at the extra 80GB of storage on my phone, I felt a sense of relief in my heart.

At that moment, the door lock indicated that the password was incorrect.

Through the peephole, I saw Connor, and I was momentarily stunned.

Considering that I still had his luggage to hand back to him, I open the door.

"Heidi, why did you change the password?"

"I wanted to change it, so I did! Do I need a reason?"

Before he knew Gracie, his phone's password was our anniversary.

Later on, he changed his phone password and didn't let me touch his phone. Because I trusted him, I never went through his phone. I simply asked why he changed the password and he reacted angrily.

Back then, I couldn't understand why he was suddenly so angry.

Later, a comment from a netizen enlightened me. "Men get angry when they feel guilty."

The reasons for his feeling guilty were quite obvious.

As Connor heard my familiar wording, he couldn't help but frown.

"What's the new password? Send it to me."

I didn't respond but simply handed him his luggage.

His eyes lit up as a wide smile spread across his face as he received it.

It seemed as though he thought of it as a gift from me.

As he unzipped it, his face turned pale.

"What are you trying to imply? I just went on a business trip abroad with Gracie, are you going to make a fuss again? We were part of a team and didn't spend time alone! I didn't contact you because I had to hand over my phone."

"If you want to believe I'm making a fuss, then just think of it that way!"

Saying this, I sent him two screenshots.

He stared at his phone as though he'd been struck by lightning.