The Past Needs No Looking Back, Pain Left Behind

"Felicity. What a coincidence."

Karen tilted her chin up, her makeup flawless, her whole face lit with satisfaction.

I didn't answer. My steps stopped as if my legs had turned to lead.

Neil gripped my hand tight, glanced up at me, and gave a small shake of his head. It meant: don't make a scene.

"Mm." My voice came out hoarse.

The passengers at the cabin door surged forward all at once, and before long I'd been pushed back to the row by the wing.

The first-class curtain slid shut with a hiss, and my line of sight was cut clean off.

The plane took off soon after. I clenched my teeth and held tight to the armrests on both sides of the seat.

My neck ached worse than before. "Sss..."

I'd thought that after all these years I'd long since gotten used to it, but the bitterness still rose up in me.

Five hours later, the plane landed. The late night was faintly cold.

Half an hour passed and the car still hadn't come. Karen, in her sundress, was shivering.

"Felicity, is there a heavy jacket in your suitcase?"

When I didn't respond, her eyes went red, and she started sniffling quietly like a startled little rabbit.

Neil stood there with his hands in his pockets, looking down at me. "Karen's talking to you. Are you deaf?"

I said flatly, "The size is wrong. It won't fit her."

Neil wouldn't let it go. "She doesn't mind that you're bigger. As long as it keeps her warm."

Karen choked out through her sobs, "Don't blame Felicity, I'm the one who insisted on coming. I'll leave tomorrow."

The car came. Neil pulled Karen against him.

He opened the door one-handed, and the two of them climbed into the back seat together, the door slamming shut.

Neil barked at me, "Get in!"

The driver kindly loaded all my luggage into the trunk.

I got into the front passenger seat, and the moment my neck settled against the headrest, I let out a breath.

The car started moving, and my mind drifted.

Ever since I was a child, I got carsick easily no matter what car I rode in, if I was in the back seat.

Exhaust fumes, the smell of gasoline, the stop-and-go crawl, all of it left me miserable.

But whenever I sat up front, I never threw up.

Neil used to tease me, "You, you were just born to be pampered."

Later, he got into big tech, and ate all three meals a day at the office.

Every day he stayed until the very last group left.

Every time I told him to rest more, he'd ruffle my hair.

His voice gentle: "Silly. Leave a little later and the cab fare gets reimbursed, plus overtime pay. Way more worth it."

Soon, the day the project bonus came in, he ordered a new car.

The day we picked it up, the salesman had stuck an oversized pink bow on it, my favorite kind.

He held a bottle of champagne in one hand and me in the other, and jerked his chin toward the front passenger seat.

On the passenger side was a sticker he'd written himself: "Felicity's Seat."

Even now, he still remembered to leave the front seat for me.

But in the rearview mirror, Neil held Karen tucked tight against his chest.

Karen nuzzled her nose lightly against his face, the two of them nearly mouth to mouth.

The instant our eyes met, hers were full of provocation.

My stomach heaved all at once.

"Driver, stop the car..."

The car hadn't even fully stopped before I bolted for the grass at the roadside and threw up violently.

It was a long time before the cramping in my stomach finally eased.

I'd thrown up so hard the mess had splattered everywhere.

Tears and snot smeared my whole face, rank and salty.

Only once I'd caught my breath a little did Neil slowly get out of the car and twist open a bottle of water.

I cupped the water over my face, scrubbing hard at the corners of my mouth and my chin.

Neil's voice went off right over my head.

"Didn't I leave the front seat for you?"

"I really don't get it. Who are you putting on this show for, throwing up like that on purpose?"

"Do you have any idea, Karen's nerves are shot right now, she reads into everything, and you—"

I lifted my head and stared hard at Neil.

My face was ghost-white, and my eyes were red enough to frighten anyone.