The Only Muse

I decided to give it one last try.

Caleb didn't come back until 11:00 pm that night. I had fallen asleep on the couch when I felt his jacket settle over me. It was still carrying his scent.

For a moment, I felt comforted. Without thinking, I murmured, "Now that your hearing's back, you don't even need me anymore…"

My words trailed off.

Even with the lights off, the deep red lipstick stain on his jacket was impossible to miss under the moonlight.

Something sharp that had been lodged in my chest suddenly took root, spreading and clawing, like it wanted to tear me apart from the inside out.

Janessa was provoking me, and Caleb had allowed her to.

He had always disliked it when women wore makeup.

Once, he had held my chin and said with a cold laugh, "Don't come near me if you're wearing makeup. It smells awful."

I loved looking put together, but because he hated it, I had gone barefaced for three years. I had even stopped wearing perfume.

However, now, another woman's scent lingered on his jacket.

I couldn't stay calm anymore, and I grabbed his hand before I could stop myself.

I took a deep breath. My heart was pounding so hard that it felt like it might burst, and I could almost taste blood.

"Caleb, do you still love me? Or should I ask… does our engagement still mean anything?"

He met my questioning with a wall of silence. It felt as if the ground beneath me had disappeared.

I was on the verge of breaking down. My grip loosened as the strength drained out of me. However, just as I was about to let go, he suddenly pulled me into his arms.

My whole body snapped back to life, hope rushing in so fast it almost brought tears to my eyes. We had spent three years together, day in and day out. A bond that deep wasn't supposed to fall apart this easily.

Then, Caleb finally spoke. "Carolyn… I'm sorry."

For a second, it felt like the sword that had been hanging over me this entire time had finally dropped, splitting me clean in half.

It hurt.

I slowly let go of him.

At that time, I could almost see the 17-year-old version of him, standing under a stretch of green trees, smiling as he waved goodbye.

He mouthed the words to me. "Carolyn, learn how to protect yourself."

That summer heat from when I was 17 drifted further and further away until it disappeared completely, as it had never been there in the first place.

It was like a dream, and now that I was awake, it was time to leave.

Caleb was still patting my shoulder, trying to comfort me, but the hand that had once made me feel safe now felt terrifyingly unfamiliar.

"No matter what, I'll always remember everything you did for me," he reassured me.

I wiped my tears and suppressed the emotions welling up within me. Hearing that, I almost laughed.

What did he think I was? Someone who gave everything just to corner him into loving me?

I took a deep breath and forced myself to sound calm.

"You don't have to. Caleb, you don't need to remember anything I've done. If there's no love left between us, then let's call these past three years what they were—a deal.

"Your father gave me plenty of shares. If you want out of the engagement, that's fine. Just pay me what I'm owed."

I held onto the last bit of my dignity, even though every word felt like it was cutting into me.

Caleb's expression shifted abruptly. "Carolyn Sutton, you took care of me just for money?"

His face darkened, and his grip tightened around my arm without him realizing it. Pain shot through me. I flinched and yanked myself free. "Let go. You're hurting me!"

As I shoved him away, a look of hurt flashed across his face. He stared at me blankly, murmuring, "But you liked it when Anthony touched you."

I retorted, "Caleb, what right do you have to hold me? And what right do you have to be jealous of Anthony? When you carried Janessa out this afternoon, did it even cross your mind that we hadn't broken up yet?"

At the mention of Janessa, Caleb seemed to snap back to himself, and he frowned. "Janessa isn't like you. She's fragile, and she needs me to protect her."

He was always like this. He could care about me, rely on me, and even love me in his own way, but the second Janessa came up, it was like he was a completely different person.

Just like that, I didn't feel like talking anymore. I leaned back against the couch and closed my eyes.

Then, I pulled out a cigarette and lit it.

Caleb frowned again. "Carolyn, I told you I don't like the smell of cigarettes. And perfume. Are you wearing perfume today? It smells awful. Don't wear it again—"

I scoffed. "I'm not wearing any. That's Janessa's perfume."

He froze, like someone had cut him off mid-breath, and went silent.

The cigarette burned slowly between my fingers. After a long pause, he finally said, "I'm sorry…"

I was tired of hearing it.

An apology didn't change anything, and I didn't want to hear it anymore.

Through the thin haze of smoke, I looked at the man I had loved for more than ten years one last time before stubbing the cigarette out.

"Let's break up. You don't matter to me anymore," I said in an even voice. "You know my account number. Just transfer the termination fee there."

Caleb didn't respond. Only when I pulled the door open did he suddenly look up. His voice wavered with a strange tremor.

"Carolyn… I still love you. I just…"

He just couldn't let go of Janessa. He just assumed I would always be right here, waiting for him.

I understood it all.

I didn't stay to hear the rest. I simply shut the door behind me and left.

Those words came far too late.

This time, I wasn't going to stay where he left me anymore.