Secretly in Love with the Brother Next Door

Nathan had become exceedingly restless lately.

He was extraordinarily kind to me, to the point of feeding me by hand and bringing water to my lips.

On my birthday, I persuaded him to take me out after much coaxing.

We agreed to go to an amusement park.

I dressed carefully in a bright yellow tulle dress and put on a vibrant, sweet makeup look.

At the amusement park, I attracted many glances from men, but I pretended not to notice Nathan’s darkening expression and laughed carelessly.

“Lillian, let’s go back, we’ve been out for too long,” he said, trying to sound gentle but a hint of darkness seeped through.

My moon seemed to be sharpening again.

“Just one last ride, please?” I looked at him with pleading eyes.

His compromise resulted in us signing two waivers.

We stood together on the bungee platform, tightly embracing each other.

They say people might mistake fear for love when they are scared.

As we looked into each other’s eyes, I remembered a saying, “Love is so hard; people often hesitate to dive in.”

But I was resolute, as long as it was him.

The safety officer checked our gear thoroughly before signaling us to jump.

“Nathan, I love you, until death do us part.”

I gazed deeply at him, repeating the phrase I had said a thousand times in my heart.

“I love you too, Lillian,” he said, thinking this moment was all there was.

But that might not necessarily be true, my moon.

As we jumped, the roaring wind screamed in my ears.

My heartbeat was wild and intense.

I thought, if I were to die at this moment, it would be quite beautiful.

To die in the arms of my lover, and my lover to die in mine.

My moon.

He should lie in the same coffin and be buried in the same earth as me.

If not in this life, then his ashes should be mixed with mine.

On the way home, he held my hand tightly.

That night was wild, as if he was about to lose me.

He murmured my name thousands of times.

It was a gamble, and I knew how the story would unfold.

But still, I wanted to wager on the moon in the sky and the treasure he cherished on earth, and see what he would choose.

As if by a law, the day we parted was rainy.

The torrential rain outside tapped against my fragile nerves.

He came back very late, his tie askew, bearing signs of irritation.

He sat down beside me, the smell of tobacco heavy on him.

“What’s wrong, Nathan? You look a bit off.”

He hugged me, long and hard.

So long that I thought I had won the gamble, then he let go of me.

“Lillian, let’s break up. I’m sorry.”

He looked at me, his eyes full of reluctance, yet he spoke those cruel words.

I pretended to be shocked.

But the pain was real.

He reached out to wipe away my tears with a pained expression.

I stepped back and wiped them away myself.

“Nathan, is it because of Luna? Are you going to leave me for her?”

“Lillian, stop crying. It’s my fault.”

I watched as his eyes also moistened, and I felt slightly better.

“Nathan, so, you don’t need my love anymore, do you?”

I stopped the tears and looked at him seriously.

I saw fear in his eyes.

“Lillian,” he called softly, unable to say the words to keep me.

I lowered my eyes, showing disappointment on my face, and spoke weakly.

“I understand. I’ll come to gather my things tomorrow while you’re at work.”

I walked out the door and returned to my own home next door.

Heartbroken, I should have been sleepless.

Under the dim light, I unlocked the drawer to reveal a cabinet full of journals.

Mixed with the smell of the wood, they seemed even more ancient.

I started with journal number one.

That was about me at eight years old, the first time I met Nathan Brooks.

That day, Dad threw Mom’s dress out of the house, and amid screams, I heard the buzzing of a razor.

Mom’s hair was gone, and so was her smile.

I hid under the table, curling into a small ball.

I had long learned to cry silently; the dark spots on my trousers were salty tears.

When Dad turned his crazed gaze toward me with the razor in his hand.

I trembled, fumbled with the door several times, and finally burst out.