Playground 51 - The Wildest Magic School on Earth

RAHBEEM

Look, you want me to be a guidance counselor for a supernatural sciences school, right? Why me? Yes, I have about ten years’ experience dealing with normal mortal children, but I don’t know nothing about ghostbusting or wizardry.

RAHBEEM

(Sighs)

I appreciate the job offer. But I think I’m out of my league here.

PROFESSOR DIAZ

Well, permit me to ask what might sound facetious, but if you didn’t want the job as a guidance counselor for a magic school, why did you apply for one?

RAHBEEM

Truth is, I got in a little trouble some years back when both my hair and my waistline were THICK. I had an affair with my brother's wife and got her pregnant.

RAHBEEM

My brother ended up suing me for "alienation of affection" and won a $1.5 million settlement, claiming I stole his wife and humiliated him by having the whole ordeal aired on The Gregory Show.

RAHBEEM

So now, I owe this sum-mum-ma-bitch 1.5 million dollars for my overweight baby mama and my beautiful baby girl. Do I look like I got 1.5 million dollars to you? I'm sure I don't. But I better look like I'm searching for a job, or I might be doing prison time.

RAHBEEM

So, I applied for ANY job I was qualified for. I didn’t think you weirdos would actually call me.

PROFESSOR DIAZ

I see..

PROFESSOR DIAZ

(nods)

And when I called you for a job interview, you came because...?

Rahbeem uses his pinky to clean his ear.

RAHBEEM

I was hoping to catch a Quidditch game.

PROFESSOR DIAZ

That’s not a real thing.

RAHBEEM

How the hell you got burnt at the stake and you tryna tell me what is and is not real? Your burnt stake ass is not real!

PROFESSOR DIAZ

You have a temper, and you’re quick to anger! Will you attack and injure these children?

PROFESSOR DIAZ

(Rubs his chin in thought)

Would you expect extra pay for that?

RAHBEEM

Look, I'm sorry, but thinking about my financial situation gets me angry.

PROFESSOR DIAZ

Well, Professor Roth, if you accept the job at this academy, I can promise I will pay you handsomely. You will be able to pay off that 1.5 million dollar debt within 5 years with the salary I'll pay you!

RAHBEEM

What? That's impossible. No one is paying a high school guidance counselor that much money!

PROFESSOR DIAZ

I will, Professor Roth. Money is no object!

Rahbeem looks at Diaz suspiciously. Diaz keeps smiling, but his eyes shift to the left, avoiding Rahbeem's gaze.

RAHBEEM

(In a comedic African accent)

You are LITERALLY a DEVIL from HELL. What do you want from me?

PROFESSOR DIAZ

Nothing, Professor Roth! I want you to be a human. I need you to relate to these human children as only a human can.

RAHBEEM

Be human? You're going to help me pay off 1.5 million in debt to be Human?

Diaz sheepishly shrugs.

PROFESSOR DIAZ

Well, there is a little bit more to it than that...but I have to make sure you qualify for the job first, and then I'll explain everything. For now, I just want you to learn and relate to our students.

RAHBEEM

Professor Diaz, I would love to help you there, but I can’t relate to anything anymore. Every time I turn on the TV, the news shows me a world that’s getting weirder and weirder at breakneck speed.

RAHBEEM

I can’t help you with nothing here, my dude! Nothing!

RAHBEEM

(Claps at every word)

Ya’ll-don’t-even-play-QUIDDITCH!

PROFESSOR DIAZ

There is no such thing!

Rahbeem stands up, frustrated, and goes over to Professor Diaz's window.

He shakes his head as if saying no to the thoughts coming to mind.

RAHBEEM

So this stuff is serious now, man? You telling me I gotta learn magic and demonology? I haven’t even memorized all the gender pronouns yet!

PROFESSOR DIAZ

I know it’s a lot, Professor Roth. But the truth is, the supernatural has been with you! We’ve been here the entire time. It’s just that humans are now being forced to accept this reality. You cannot avoid it any longer.

Professor Roth cringes and shakes his head at that. It’s too much, too fast. Diaz raises his hand, and a file sitting on top of a file cabinet magically flies into his palm.

PROFESSOR DIAZ

Be not selfish, Professor Roth. If you think this new world is difficult for you, imagine how it is for the children. Let’s talk about them, shall we?

He opens the file.

PROFESSOR DIAZ

Let’s start with Eddie Bon Moon. He, in particular, could use your help.

RAHBEEM ROTH

(Turns to face Diaz)

Eddie? That was one of the four boys, right? The students of Kaye Beltran?

PROFESSOR DIAZ

Yes! And this young man is incredibly bright. He’s tested at a genius level...

PROFESSOR DIAZ

Unfortunately, his sister was killed in a car accident over the summer, and he took the death very hard. He actually had to be hospitalized for about a month after a mental breakdown.

Rahbeem looks saddened by hearing that.

Walks back to take his seat in front of Diaz’s desk.

RAHBEEM

Is he back in school yet?

PROFESSOR DIAZ

Yes...

PROFESSOR DIAZ

(Exhales hard)

But we are having... uh... disciplinary problems with him now. And we’re not sure what to make of it, Professor Roth.

Rahbeem hands Diaz another puzzled look as they fizzle into another flashback.