Loving Him Cost Me Everything

My boyfriend was always mixing up my name with his ex-girlfriend's.

When he cooked, he'd call out without thinking: "Princess Claudie, grab your bowl and chopsticks, dinner's ready."

On the birthday gift he gave me, the card read Happy Birthday, Baby Claudie.

Even in our most intimate moments, he'd murmur against my ear, "Claudie, want me to be gentler?"

After the ten-thousandth time he got it wrong, the irritation I'd felt at first had dulled into resignation.

All I could do was turn his face toward mine, look him in the eyes, and correct him, over and over.

"My name is Ann Mason. Not Claudie."

Over time, before he said my name, Robert James would always pause to think for two full seconds.

Then he'd get those two syllables out, precisely: "Ann."

I thought he'd finally broken the habit.

Until later, when his one-that-got-away, Claudia Fox, joined the same company we worked at.

After that, the gift card at the company year-end party had her name written on it again, Claudia Fox.

The red roses delivered to the office, the recipient became Claudia Fox too.

Even when he proposed, down on one knee in front of me, the name he called was:

"Claudia Fox, will you marry me!"

That "I will" jammed in my throat, stuck halfway, unable to move up or down.

The excitement I'd felt drained away all at once.

All of a sudden, it just felt utterly pointless.

——

When Robert realized what he'd done, his face went blank for an instant.

He scrambled to his feet to call out to me, but he still hesitated two seconds before he could speak.

"Ann, I—"

The irony spread through my chest.

Even in a moment like this, he still had to think before he could say my name.

I knew what he wanted to say.

That it was just habit, or maybe he was just too nervous.

Three years together, and I was sick of hearing lines like that.

I took a step back, away from his hand.

"There's no need to say anything more."

"Let's break up."

"No—"

Robert tried to say something else.

But the coworkers nearby had heard the commotion and were crowding over.

When they saw the proposal, the whole crowd erupted.

"Oh my god, Director James is actually proposing during the company retreat!"

"Claudie, you and Director James are together? Why didn't you ever tell us?"

I turned around, and only then did I see Claudia standing a little ways off.

The trees by the path had blocked me from view completely.

From a distance, it really did look like Robert was kneeling in front of her.

Claudia had both hands clapped over her mouth, her eyes brimming with joy and disbelief.

The coworkers gathered around her, cheering and egging her on, pushing her toward Robert.

Someone passing by yanked hard at my arm.

"They're proposing, what are you standing in the middle for? Like a third wheel."

I stumbled.

My long dress was pinned underfoot, my carefully styled hair caught on someone's clothes, tugged until it stung.

I shoved my way out of the crowd, a mess.

When I lifted my head, the two of them were already encircled by ring after ring of people.

Claudia, in a white gauzy dress, stood at the center, like a bride waiting for happiness to descend.

And I was just like everyone around me, a nameless bystander watching their joy from the edge.

Across the crowd, I met Robert's eyes.

His gaze was complicated.

I watched his mouth open slightly, as if he wanted to explain.

But seeing Claudia so happy she was moved to tears, he swallowed every word.

Smiling, he slid the engagement ring meant for me onto her ring finger.

I tugged at the corner of my mouth, bitter, and made no scene, asked no questions.

I just quietly turned around and walked away from the celebration that should have been mine.

The sky had darkened, and the wind off the river was bone-chillingly cold.