Intricacies of the heart

A week passed before I agreed to see him. Seven days of silence. Seven mornings of waking up determined not to think about him, and seven nights of losing that battle.When he called again, his voice was careful, low, uncertain, like someone approaching a wounded animal.

"I just want to talk," he said. "Please."

And maybe it was foolish, but part of me wanted to hear what he would say when he didn't have the distance of a phone line to hide behind. So I said yes. I told myself it was closure I needed. But the truth was simpler. I missed him.

I refused to meet at his house. So I picked a small café not far from Pilsen. I made sure he arrived before me I only left my house when he texted saying he had arrived at the café. He stood up when I walked in.

"You look..."

 I stopped him right there. "Don't." 

He smiled faintly, like he deserved that. We sat, a hot cup of coffee and glazed cinnamon rolls already served. He remembered what I liked, of course. He always remembered the details that didn't matter. Then, I said.

"You said you wanted to talk. So talk."

 He  nodded, looked down for a moment, then met my eyes. "I don't want to lose you. That's the truth."

His declaration warmed my heart a little. "Then what do you want?" I asked quietly.

He hesitated. "I just want you, I still don't want to do casual. We have a connection. Let's just go back to how things were.."

I stared at him. "You mean without commitment."

 He  sighed. "Labels are unnecessarily what matters is how we feel about each other."

"And how exactly do you feel about me?" I asked.

"I like you a lot."

 Not what I was hoping to hear.

 "Not love?" I asked fiddling with my hands.

He leaned forward, elbows on the table. "I've been through it. Marriage, lawyers, custody, all of it. I'm not doing that again. So I'm not going to sit here and make promises I can't keep. I enjoy our time together, I enjoy what we have."

 I took a sip of my coffee.  "And what am I supposed to be?" I asked. "Something that fits around the life and family you've built for yourself?" 

It's not that I wanted him to get me hitched. I'm not the marrying type anyway. I just wanted some form of reassurance, that I won't be swept aside, after investing my emotions into what we have. The truth was, I might be in love with him, and the thought of him with another woman is poison to my heart. But there's no way I was  blatantly admitting that to him like some love sick puppy. He reached over the table to hold my hands and said,

"you're already in my life."

I smiled. There and then, I knew exactly what I was going to do.

After that dinner, I decided I wasn't going to store all my eggs in one basket. I would keep Crest around, but I was taking back my efforts. I would keep my options open. I don't see why I should commit to him when he going around with arm candies. Thankfully, work got busier. And somewhere in between, the chopping, the cooking and plating, I started socializing and saying yes again. To invitations, to company, to men who looked at me with curiosity. None of them were serious. A wine bar with a music journalist. A walk along the lake with a teacher, Dinner with a man who owned a bookstore and asked about my favorite childhood meal. They were all kind and uncomplicated. Although, I hate to admit that none of these men compared to Crest, but I was having fun.

Crest and I still had our thing going on. Except now I didn't jump at every of his invitation or return his calls every time I missed it. I kept it simple, just like he wanted. Cherry had asked me severally why I didn't just walk away. Well, feelings just don't disappear. Regardless of our situation, I found comfort knowing I still had him in my life. As twisted as that sounds.