I Refuse this Late

The memories could stop my heart, and I got goosebumps on my arm where Stella touched me.

It felt as if a serpent coiled around me—a cold creepiness that swelled in my heart, leaving me so sick and nauseated I could throw up right then.

I knocked Stella's hand away as hard as I could and arched my back, holding myself against the front seat with one hand while I clasped the other over my mouth and retched violently.

Although I hadn't eaten for days and there was nothing I could vomit, the pungent acid scent sent Stella scrambling for a tissue to stuff her nostrils, while snapping at me in disgust, "What are you doing?!"

But I kept retching as I couldn't hear a thing, and only stopped when I no longer felt sick.

Stella said nothing and kept glaring coolly at me, and I knew well enough to tell that she was on the verge of an outburst.

While I usually would play dumb and ignore that, I didn't do so this time—just as I knew fully well I had no right to fight back, just as I was too enfeebled.

Keeping my head down as my fingers dug into the front seat, I said, "I'm sorry… I can walk on my own—I'm really sorry I got your car dirty. I'll wash it when I get home."

Stella paused and studied me suspiciously for a moment, and suddenly reached out toward my head.

I watched as her hand got closer, my whole body stiffening.

I knew I shouldn't avoid her touch because I had always yearned for her to respond to my affection.

However, she was very assertive and thought little of me, and would verbally destroy me if I even upset her a little—so that I felt embarrassed and hurt.

I stiffened in my seat, telling myself repeatedly not to hide or upset her.

However, when her cool fingers reached me again, I felt the same creepy serpentine sensation once more, and couldn't help turning my face away from her touch.

Stella's hand was left frozen mid-air, and when she looked at me again, I felt her indignation and impatience.

However, that was when I felt nauseated once more, and I shook my head repeatedly.

Suddenly, Stella's face was gone, and I was looking at my grandfather lying on his sick bed.

Because of these people, I had lost the only person who had been good to me.

As I blinked, tears gushed down my cheeks.

Seeing that, Stella—who clearly had some choice words for me—ultimately said nothing, and turned to tell the chauffeur to drive faster in it.

As I wiped my tears with my sleeves, I curled into a ball, staying silent and did my best to appear invisible.

My vision was a blur as I stared blankly outside, when it occurred to me.

If only Stella were willing to help, Grandpa would have been saved.

I wouldn't have to borrow from loan sharks either, let alone end up in this sorry state.

But in the end, pondering about what ifs was pointless.

-

When the MPV stopped, I bumped my forehead on the front seat from inertia.

"Are you okay?" Stella asked.

Her asking me that was like seeing a blue moon.

Still, I shook my head in silence, clutching my forehead.

For her part, she didn't press the issue and alighted right away, ignoring me and entered the Sullivan residence.

I went upstairs and quickly took a bath, changing out of my filthy trousers.

There were several gruesome holes on my left kneecap—the blood had dried and blackened.

It was a souvenir from the loan sharks, who had hammered several nails into my kneecap, and laughed out loud as I rolled around the ground, screaming and writhing in pain.

After that, they starved me and said I only got to eat if I pulled those nails out with my own bare hands.