Hey, It's Payback Time, Ex-Husband

Julia Forster

Benjamin was now fast asleep in our bed as if nothing had occurred while the anguish was still pouring through me like an aftershock. My entire body, including my face and neck, were in excruciating pain. When it came to being physical, he never held back at any point. It has always been in this manner. I was hopelessly entangled in a marriage that was meant to fail from the very beginning, yet I refused to give up. Despite the fact that it was very thin.

I found myself mumbling, "I can't do this," as I slowly rose up from the bed. The pangs from Benjamin' onslaught continued to reverberate throughout my body, but I was able to get myself off the bed and leave the room. Despite the fact that I was worn out, I was unable to fall asleep. Because I knew I would only be tormented by bad dreams regardless, I decided to seek refuge on the couch in the living room and think about how my life could have gotten to this point.

While Benjamin was resting, I couldn't help but feel envious of his ability to get some shut-eye after everything that had taken place. It's possible that he's become accustomed to it, and now it's just something that he does as part of his routine.

After three years, we started dating back when we were in college. I remember feeling joyful and thinking that I was the happiest person alive on planet that day when we began dating. Because, after all, wasn't it everyone's goal to get married and spend the rest of their lives with the one they loved the most? Benjamin Forster was the perfect gentleman; he was kind, kind, and understanding back then. He was the guy of my dreams. Had he undergone any sort of transformation over the course of the years? Even the wedding is a clear memory for me; it was lavish, full of pomp and circumstance, and attended by a large number of well-wishers and visitors. I never stopped kidding myself into thinking that perhaps it was because of the work that he did. When his father passed the reins of a large, extremely successful firm on to him, he underwent a dramatic transformation into an entirely different person. Prior to that, he had been managing the company.

He was no longer the kind and compassionate Benjamin; rather, he had hardened into a cruel man. His once-warm personality has been completely transformed into one of ruthlessness. The eyes that blazed with aspirations and desires transformed into the blank, emotionless eyes of a statue that simply wanted to accomplish whatever it was that it wanted to do. Working late into the night on the business, attending meetings, and traveling internationally to meet with potential customers pushed his mental well-being to its breaking point.

Where exactly did we make our mistake? I was always attentive to his every want, and I made sure there was food on the table whenever he came, but once we were married, everything changed. I am no longer responsible for his needs. Radically.

I was only present; he hardly acknowledged my presence since he spent a greater amount of time in the workplace than he did with me. He would stay there through the late evenings and even the early morning hours. There were several occasions in which he did not even return to the house. What brought about this shift in you, Benjamin? I never stopped questioning myself.

But the answer that came to my mind was always "No. He did not alter. He just took off the mask that he had been using for all of that time and let his actual nature to shine through. At first, I was resistant to the idea of accepting it since it was such an awful thing to consider. I recoiled in horror at the thought that he has always been a monster; might he be a sociopath? To suggest that he was constantly unconcerned about how other people felt and that his opinion was the only thing that counted is absurd.

One evening, a number of years ago, he arrived home in an incoherent state after getting drunk and began babbling about how the company's stocks were plummeting and how he needed to do something about it. During that time, he was in a state of despair and working really hard to get it back into shape; during those evenings, I did my best to soothe him. When we were going over the issues that the firm was having, we lost a significant number of nights' worth of sleep. He suspected that some of the board members who had been there for a while were engaging in questionable financial behavior, therefore he was looking into ways to remove them. He was successful in achieving his goal, but as a result, he evolved into the monstrosity that he is today. After he had succeeded in rescuing the firm, I suggested to him that we should take a trip for a change. That was the first time he made an impression on me. It was necessary for him to take his mind off of the business.

He had yelled at me at that time, "Fuck off!" as I was holding the face that he had struck, but he had stopped then recognizing what he had done and he comforted me, and he even apologized for losing his cool at that point. I was holding the cheek that he had struck. There was a point where I should have just walked away.

Because there is a proverb that states people who have done something once will do it again, and this statement is true. That is accurate the vast majority of the time. The lessons I should have learned from those years continue to haunt me now.

There was a point where I should have just walked away.

But although knowing it was a fool's dream, I clung to the belief that one day, when the moment was perfect, he would come to terms with what he had done and alter his behavior. Maybe this time he'll remember that I'm a human being and start treating me as such. But for the time being, he was a monstrosity that I was unable to identify.

After he had hit me for the first time, he just stopped pretending, and with that, the deception that I was his wife came to an end. When he invited clients over for dinner, which I would cook with all of my heart, I was nothing more than a trophy for him to show off in front of his visitors. Trying to lend him any assistance I can in his efforts to win over his firm.

Because I was nothing more than a plaything in his eyes, we would only make love at his whim. A doll. Someone for him to vent his anger on; nothing more than that.

I felt the tears well up in my eyes once more; it seems to be a recurring theme in my life right now; I married the guy of my dreams, yet I still end up being sad. It resembles the paw of a monkey. However, there is a catch to what you wish to happen. A twisted vision of the future. You finally meet the man of your dreams, but the relationship turns out to be the very worst nightmare you've ever had.

However, even at the darkest of hours, I would still desire and beg for something better.

One day, just let it be one day, he will understand that he is able to love other people, and when that day comes, he will be able to love me as well. Just give us one day.

I scream out in a pitiful manner, "I love you, Benjamin," which is an absurd statement; was I mistreated to the extent that I fell in love with the person who was abusing me? Is this an example of the Stockholm syndrome, or am I just desperately clinging to something in the hope that I might somehow disprove fate's predictions? "Maybe one day you will learn how to love others; I hope that day comes soon because right now, I need your love," you may say. "I hope that day comes soon because right now, I need your love."