Goodbye, Mother: The Daughter Who Walked Away

3: 3

That night I lay on the pull-out couch, and a lot of things came back to me.

When I was little, Mom used to braid my hair and tie it with a blue bow.

On rainy days she carried me to school on her back, my little rain boots squeaking against her raincoat with every step.

She used to say Max was Mommy's little princess.

But after Renata came, Mom never called me her little princess again.

I wasn't her little princess anymore.

Mom had a new little princess now.

I thought if I studied myself to the bone and got good grades, Mom would see me again.

But when my SAT scores came out, my mother made a decision.

"Max, why don't you apply to the same college as Rennie. Same major, ideally. That way you two girls can look out for each other, and I'll have peace of mind."

Renata's eyes lit up. "Really?"

I was in the middle of dinner. My chopsticks froze in midair.

"But Rennie and I are a hundred points apart."

"So what? Worst case, just pick the same city."

"But I want to go to an Ivy—"

"What's so great about the Ivy League?" Mom said, unimpressed. "It's expensive there. Higher living costs, higher travel costs, I'd have to give you more. If people found out, they'd think I play favorites, and Rennie would be hurt."

My brother chimed in from beside me. "Exactly, Max. Just apply to the local teachers' college with Rennie. Otherwise your school's way too good and she'll look bad next to you."

Seeing me go quiet, my father set down his newspaper too. "Your own family would never hurt you. Rennie's never lived away at school. We really can't feel easy about her being all on her own."

That night I couldn't sleep.

I'd fought for this day and night for three years and scored a 698.

My teacher said with a score like that, I could easily get into any major I wanted at a top-tier school.

And now my family wanted me to throw away my dream to spare Renata's feelings.

I was the real daughter. So why did I feel like a guest boarding in this house?

I couldn't sleep, so I decided to go talk it out with Mom, really talk.

I'd just gotten near the master bedroom when I heard low voices inside.

"What if Max doesn't want to?" That was my father.

Mom gave a cold laugh. "What's there for her not to want? I'm her mother. What I say goes."

"Rennie can't go off to college by herself. She's so timid, and she's never lived away from home. What if something happens to her?"

"But an Ivy is Max's dream—"

"Can a dream put food on the table?" Mom's voice rose, then dropped again. "I've already thought it through. If Max really won't agree, I'll change her application on the sly. By the time it's done, there'll be nothing she can do about it."

My whole body went rigid.

"Change her application?" My father's voice changed too. "That's not right, is it?"

"What's wrong with it?" Mom said, full of righteousness. "I'm her mother. Would I hurt her? Rennie's too lonely on her own. I have to give her someone to lean on."

I stood outside the door, hands and feet ice-cold.

To give Renata someone to lean on, my mother was going to secretly change my application.

All she could think about was that Renata couldn't be alone.

She never once thought about everything I'd poured into those three years of high school.

Inch by inch, my heart went cold.

After a long while, I opened my phone and searched for overseas universities with full scholarships.

One result in the list caught my eye.

Full scholarship, tuition and living costs covered. Anyone in the state's top fifty SAT scores could apply directly.

I hid in the bathroom and filled out the application on my phone.

Three days ago, I'd gotten the email: "Congratulations, you have been awarded full-scholarship admission. Please confirm your enrollment by July 15."

I screenshotted the email, saved it to the cloud, then deleted every trace of it from my phone.

Three days before the application deadline, my mother pushed me to submit my college choices.

"Max, hurry up and do it. Don't drag it out to the last day. What if the system crashes?"

I opened the college application system and, right there under my mother's watchful eye, entered the local state university.