After Eighteen Years, I Walked Away

3: 3

There was nothing left in me but cold.

"I didn't do this."

Shirley Barnes lifted her head at my voice, her eyes swimming with tears.

"Dr. Mason, is it because you knew all along that Stanley had fallen for me? You couldn't stand it, so you spread rumors about me on purpose, to destroy me?"

I looked down at her, my voice level.

"I only learned about the two of you yesterday. I've been in this profession for years, and nothing matters more to me than professional integrity."

"Even facing my husband's mistress, I wouldn't stoop to smears and lies."

"But my ID photo, and the intimate pictures of me and Stanley at the hospital, in the car, all of it got leaked online."

Shirley clutched at the hem of Stanley's shirt, crying harder, more pitiful by the second.

"Apart from you, I can't think of anyone who would envy me, who would go after me."

Stanley raised a hand and smoothed her long hair, the gesture tender, lingering.

He soothed her softly.

"Don't be afraid. I'll take care of everything. I won't let you suffer the slightest bit."

Only then did he turn to me, his eyes unsteady, edged with hesitation and scrutiny.

"It really wasn't you?"

Even though I'd braced for the words, my chest still throbbed, wave after wave.

"We've known each other eighteen years. Do you honestly not know the kind of person I am?"

Stanley opened his mouth, about to speak, and Shirley cut in gently.

She nestled against his chest, her face soft with fragile unease.

"Stanley, I didn't want to read too much into it, but I'm pregnant now… I can't help worrying that Dr. Mason resents me and is deliberately going after me and the baby."

"You're pregnant?"

My mind went blank, the blood in me seeming to freeze all at once.

And on Stanley's face, wild joy welled up.

"That's wonderful! I'm going to be a father!"

The first time I got pregnant, he'd said the very same words.

Only I'd been on psychiatric medication for years, my body worn thin, so in the end I miscarried, again and again.

I'd cried until it tore me apart, until I nearly broke.

It was him, back then, red-eyed as he held me, comforting me over and over.

"It's all right, Patsy. We'll have children someday."

He hadn't lied to me. He really did have a child.

Only the child's mother wasn't me.

A bottomless bitterness and despair closed over me.

I stood where I was, an outsider who didn't belong.

Any more words in my defense would only sound hollow, absurd.

I don't know how I walked out of that office building, how I made it home.

I lifted my eyes and looked over this home we'd built side by side through years of struggle, pouring everything we had into it.

But I knew, clearly, that soon a new mistress of the house would move in here.

Everything that was mine was about to be replaced completely.

All this time I'd buried myself in work, neglecting my own life, and I'd never once noticed the little things quietly changing in this house.

On the vanity, a few bright lip glosses I didn't own had appeared at some point.

Stanley, who lived spare and never wore cologne, had lately carried a cool woody scent around him.

He'd always been disciplined, eating only diet meals, and yet lately he kept bringing home trendy cakes.

None of his tenderness, none of the exceptions he made, had ever been for me.

The shrill ring of my phone cut through my thoughts.

The caller ID was the neighbor lady from back home.