About Last Night: Chasing The Beauty

Guilt

"What's wrong with you today, Beautrin? You are not your true self. You're so preoccupied that you can't even pose for a good photograph!" The director said irritatedly as I got close. Miya, my manager, and my friend immediately came to me and grabbed my arm.

I let out a sigh.

I'm aware of how much I've disappointed the entire team today. I'm disappointed in myself as well, but I can't seem to concentrate today. I can't seem to function properly, especially since the events from what happened that night are still replaying over and over again inside my head.

"Is it about your useless ex once more?" I winced and cast a sidelong glance at Miya. She truly does not have a filter in her mouth.

"Stop it. I'm just tired and restless. There's nothing serious going on." There's no way that I will tell her about what happened to Claus and me that night. There's no way. Because I already know her reaction. And it will turn out really bad.

"And pigs can fly. But fine, I'll believe you for now. But you should fix this, Trin. Fix the shoot or the two of us will really be finished off by that Jade." I nodded to Miya without looking at her.

She called the makeup artist again for me to have a retouch. While they were fixing my makeup and hair, my mind drifted into the other world again.

My mind drifted to what had happened that night. That unrighteous night.

My grip on my own hand tightened as I remembered what had happened. There's a part of me that's happy, but guilt is more dominant now. I can't believe that I did that.

Really? I stoop on that kind of level because I love Claus so much. I betrayed my twin sister just because I couldn't find myself slowly letting go of the guy who was once mine.

That was really a not-so-nice move. Something happened to us, for God's sake! And it didn't just happen once. He took me many times in the most possible yet impossible ways. That night was pure bliss, and only now did I finally realize how desperate I was.

I...took advantage of him being drunk, as he mistook me for my twin sister. I took advantage of his weakness, and I realized how bad I was for doing that.

I...was selfish. Well, still is. And I'm not proud of that. I betrayed my twin.

"Miss..." I opened my eyes due to a gentle shake on my shoulder.

I sighed. "Yes?"

"We're done now. They are calling you outside so the shoot can start again." I stiffly nodded.

I let out a loud sigh before I stood up. I looked at myself in the mirror. But I can't see anyone other than a lady who lowered herself for a guy who can't love her back anymore.

Fool. I am a fool but no one can blame me. No one.

After leaving the dressing room, I immediately went to the platform to start the shoot. It turned out fine. Just fine. That wasn't my best. And today, I wasn't my best self because I was freaking guilty about what I did the other night.

After the exhausting shoot, I immediately got dressed. I was rushing out of the building, and Miya thought I was in a hurry to meet someone. She wasn't able to stop me from getting into my own car, though.

I drove straight to my condo. I gave my key to the valet so he could park my car in my usual parking area. I ignored those who greeted me as I entered the building because my head was hurting so badly.

I just want to rest. I want to rest, hoping that my guilt will eventually fade.

After taking a shower and getting dressed, I immediately lay down on the mattress. I thought that I would be able to rest while on it. But my thoughts are drowning me even more.

Claus...

I curled myself in my blanket.

What happened to us?

We were fine. I thought we would never be apart again. With him, I felt like nothing would go wrong. I thought our life was a fairytale. I love him, and he loves me the same.

But...

But I made a mistake. I made a mistake that broke our relationship and us. I want to explain myself to him. But how can I? How can I do that when he's not even giving me a chance to talk to him without feeling disgusted at me every time that he sees me?

But if I explain to him. I doubt that he'll believe me. He will never hear and believe me. I know that. But I never stopped trying to reach for him, to win him over again. I never give up on him because even though I hate him, I still love him. My love for him is greater than the anger that I am feeling.

But he... He gave up on us. He dropped me like a hot potato while I was still trying my hardest to hold him.

He's over me. But I am not. And this time, I wish that I hadn't met him because I don't want myself to turn into someone that I am clearly not.